Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Tips On Love

Wednesday, July 6th, 2011

*What is the proper age to get married?*

“Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.”

(Judy,8 )

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.”

(Tom,5)

*What do most people do on a first date?*

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”

(Mike, 10)

*When is it OK to kiss someone?*

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.”

(Jim, 10)

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.”

(Kally,9)

*The great debate: Is it better to be single or married?*

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.”

(Lynette,9)

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.”

(Kenny,7)

*Concerning why love happens between two particular people.*

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.”

(Jan,9)

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.”

(Harlen, 8 )

*On what falling in love is like.*

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”

(Roger, 9)

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.”

(Leo,7)

*On the role of good looks in love.*

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.”

(Jeanne, 8 )

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”

(Gary, 7)

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.”

(Christine,9)

*Concerning why lovers often hold hands*

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.”

(Dave, 8 )

*Confidential Opinions About Love*

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons is on television.”

(Anita, 6)

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.”

(Bobby, 8 )

“I’m not rushing into being in love-I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.”

(Regina,10)

Wacky Definitions

Friday, May 20th, 2011

Gravity: Not just a good idea, it’s the law!

Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.

Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.

Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning “tone deaf”.

Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.

Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.

“Normal”: A setting on a washing machine.

Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.

Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.

Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.

Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.

Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.

Time Off

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a lightbulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

Rejection Letter Response

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009

Have you ever had a resume rejected? Don’t ever let it happen again. The next time that nasty old rejection letter comes your way, respond with your own:

Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date]. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [company name]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm beginning on [Date]. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

No Condemnation

Thursday, August 30th, 2007

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. –Romans 8:1–

We all have our moments of hypocrisy–times when we are not behaving as we ought to behave as Christians, times where we really let the Lord down in our witness. The Bible tells us that hypocrites find out the hard way that you can’t pull the wool over God’s eyes. God deals with them very harshly because, in all honesty, He hates the sin of hypocrisy.

When Jesus walked this earth, He saved His most scathing words not for the sinners of the day, but for the self-righteous, religious hypocrites. In fact, with the sinners He could be quite gentle. Remember the woman caught in the act of adultery? He said to her, “Where are those accusers of yours?”

“No one, Lord,” she told Him.

Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more” (see John 8:10–11).

Does this mean Jesus approved of the way she lived? Far from it–God is very clear about how He wants us to live. Jesus knew the real problem was that her sin needed to be resolved.

It was the same thing with the woman at the well, who was known for her immorality. Yet as Jesus spoke to her that day in Samaria, He did not condemn her for her lifestyle as much as He appealed to her inner spiritual thirst.

The bottom line is that people are empty, and they need to hear the gospel of Jesus Christ. Expend your energy there. Expend your energy in proclaiming the gospel. The heart of the matter is that people are lost. They need Christ. And we need to take that message to them.